Mirror, mirror ...

“Mirror, mirror” — the answer we want to hear

In the tale, the mirror knows the truth, but it is questioned in a way that returns the desired answer. In leadership, the mechanism repeats itself often: as power grows, honest feedback becomes scarce. People learn what is convenient to say, channels of criticism close and the leader ends up living surrounded by confirmation. This is not bad faith — it is a predictable effect of the position.

That is why introspection must be deliberate. Nobody stumbles into self-knowledge: one must sit down with uncomfortable questions — what do I need to do better? where did I let myself be deceived? what do others see that I do not? The mirror that matters to leadership is not the one confirming beauty or talent; it is the one returning contradictions and blind spots.

The mirror and the lookalikes

The image that accompanies this article says much in silence: identical men in dark suits and bowler hats repeat themselves to the back of the room — and one of them, back turned, looks into a tall mirror. It is the tension of those who lead: all around, the pressure to be like everyone else, like one’s peers, like one’s predecessor, like “the way it has always been done”. Before the mirror remains the question no uniform answers: who am I when I lead?

The reflection looks back, serious and stripped of status, and shows what the role does not reveal: the hesitations, the copies, the inherited habits. Recognising oneself in that reflection — different from the lookalikes, with a name of one’s own — is the first act of authentic leadership. Self-knowledge begins exactly there: in the refusal to be one more bowler hat in the queue.

Self-knowledge as strategy, not luxury

Talking about self-knowledge in leadership can sound like optional philosophy, an extra for those with spare time. It is the opposite: it is a strategy for efficiency. Those who know their values decide with coherence and spend less energy justifying hesitation; those who know their triggers respond instead of reacting on impulse; those who know their blind spots build teams that compensate for them instead of hiding them.

Research on emotional intelligence placed self-awareness at the foundation of leadership competencies, and studies on self-awareness show that our perception of ourselves rarely matches the perception others have of us. Closing that gap is direct work on the quality of decisions, communication and the climates a leader creates. It is not introspection for its own sake: it is management.

There is also a human side that cannot be ignored: leading exposes people to stress, to the loneliness of decision and to permanent demands. Knowing oneself — one’s limits, one’s signals, one’s ways of recovering — is also a way of protecting the mental health of those who lead and, by extension, of those who are led.

To lead or to be the boss: the temptation

Here is the temptation this article underlines: exercising the boss role under the designation of leader. The designation comes easily — a title in an email signature, an organisational chart, a vacancy for “team manager”. The behaviour, however, requires a choice: to give orders or to create conditions; to decide everything or to decide what matters; to ask for silence or to ask for voices; to demand results or to build paths towards them.

The boss takes up space; the leader opens it. The boss uses fear, even disguised as urgency; the leader uses trust, even when it is slower. The boss confuses authority with personal worth; the leader knows authority is borrowed with the role and respect is earned through practice. And teams perceive the difference with precision: under bosses, people do the minimum that is demanded; under leaders, they do what the organisation needs most.

When someone is promoted and becomes a “leader” without ever looking in the mirror, they reproduce what they knew — the model of the boss they had — and the designation becomes a façade. The outcome is familiar: turnover, silence in meetings, paralysed initiative. Leadership is not decreed; it is practised.

Specialised support: pragmatic, emotional and success management

The mirror helps more when it has professional quality. Specialised support — coaching, mentoring, leadership development programmes — delivers benefits on three fronts. On the pragmatic front: clarifying priorities, organising time and decisions, turning intention into routine. On the emotional front: managing stress, regulating reactions, gaining confidence without arrogance. On the success front: aligning the team, communicating better and harvesting results that last — not through raw effort, but through the leadership that makes them possible.

A short while ago, A. booked a coaching session with me. He arrived carrying a concern that summarises much of leadership: “I no longer know whether I can prioritise and pay attention to the team”. Two phrases, two mirrors: one about his own direction, the other about the people who walk with him. That sentence already held the raw material of the work — the honesty of admitting the doubt and the wish to do things well, for oneself and for others.

Specialised support does not replace the effort of those who lead; it gives it method and a quality mirror. It is the difference between reflecting alone, surrounded by confirmation, and reflecting alongside someone who asks the right questions, offers counterweights and turns introspection into a plan. For those who want to exercise the role with efficiency — and not fall into the boss disguised as a leader — it is an investment with a direct return: clearer decisions, healthier relationships, more consistent results.

The mirror we visit every day

“Mirror, mirror” is not a question of vanity when the answer is sought honestly: it is a ritual of leadership. Looking in the mirror, correcting, looking again — this repeated cycle is what distinguishes those who lead from those who merely occupy the place. Self-knowledge is not a chapter closed in a training course; it is a practice that continues as long as the responsibility for other people lasts.

That is what I work on every day: with leaders who want to exercise their role with efficiency and humanity, in coaching and in development programmes, helping them make the mirror an ally — so that leading stops being the temptation of being a boss and returns to what teams deserve: a practice of trust, clarity and meaning.